Meeting the Moment : Thoughts on The Full Figured Runway and Reality

“Finding the sweet spot between polished and authentic is an art that has become a critical skill for success and personal satisfaction in this age of infinite opportunity. ”

Two weeks ago I went to a casting call in L.A. to try out for Full Figured Fashion Week 2015. (Yep, its a thing - check it out:www.fffweek.com) Full Figured Fashion Week was born circa 2012 as a response to the lack of body diversity in mainstream fashion but also as a celebration of curvy women and the ever-growing market catering to the American majority demographic: Women size 12 and up. The casting call was held at the Hollywood Dance Center in one of the unassuming and charming small upstairs studios. There are a number of casting calls being held in various places around the country over the next few months; the event itself takes place in New York City in June.

Crystal Renn on the runway @ Jean Paul Gaultier's 2010 Spring Collection Show

I went into this audition with a lot of confidence and excitement - which is generally my M.O. for things I've never done before and am blissfully undereducated about. I had watched all the videos on youtube and had an idea of the look the casting directors were interested in. Based on past years, it seems that majority of the women cast for the show are women of color and generally a size 16 and above. Although I didn't quite fit the look, I knew that of course they would accept diverse looks if the talent made the cut. Regardless, the fact that the event exists and is gaining traction was enough to get me amped up - so there was no question in my mind about whether or not to try out.  At the core, I went to the casting call in the name of size diversity in the fashion world and our media at-large. 

To prepare, I lined up a private runway walk & etiquette lesson from a woman in Santa Barbara who founded our local fashion school. For the record, walking a runway effectively, in a way that makes the clothes and you look good is actually WAY harder than it looks. It reminded me of ballet class in the sense that there are about ten different variables to be aware in each moment, like: Engaging your core big time, throwing your shoulders back while leaning back and jutting your hips forward, oh yeah, and lifting your head as if it were being suspended by a string, holding your gaze steady while remembering your step count and precisely how you plan to pose, turn and keep the whole thing going in a seemingly-effortless flow. I was sweating by the end of the lesson. It was a lot like learning choreography for dance or taking a yoga class.

I was one of the first women in line, which grew steadily for the next hour and half. The other women there were all beautiful, big, well-proportioned and looking pretty FLY. I was loving it. The whole thing moved quite swiftly and the casting crew itself was encouraging and kept the mood light. I had the sense that we were all part of a shift - a big shift for women, men, and the creative freedom of expression and being allowed to celebrate who and how you are.. Naturally...Now. This is truly a birthright and one that many have lost and many are now rediscovering. YES!

Tara Lynn @ Madrid Fashion Show, February 2015

When my moment came to go before the judges, I did suddenly get somewhat nervous and felt as if the room sort of closed in around me. When I turned to face the the judges (the two founders of the event), after a moment of pause, one of the women asked me if I was excited, because apparently my poker face was ON and I did not LOOK as thrilled as I was to be there. That was the first curve ball. The second came when they asked me to smile and bring out the sass, because I had essentially practiced a much more reserved and poised demeanor - a carefully planned performance that certainly did not include a smile. The irony, of course, is that vibrant and sassy are natural for me and the smile I had worked so hard to tame was exactly what they wanted me to dish out! So, within the first 30 seconds I was asked to throw my game plan out the door. A bit flustered, knowing I had about 30 seconds to prove myself, I gave it my best and strutted towards the judges trying to remember AND forget everything I'd learned simultaneously. Retrospectively, my inner chatter could have been the stuff for a hilarious out-take blooper video.  Hmmm - next blog post?

Ashley Graham for Evans Spring Collection

I got the email a week later saying I'd missed the cut.   I'll admit that I left feeling like I didn't quite give them what they were looking for and struck out on those curve balls for sure. Despite that I had totally planned on making it, going to New York and having a blast...the reality was that I wasn't yet quite prepared to meet the moment. I defaulted to what I had practiced despite seeing and hearing that what they wanted was quite the opposite.

What's the take home message, I asked myself. Well, There are a few gems here: The first is that is it really important to GO FOR IT in life and try new things, especially when you are very passionate about the larger impact that it may have in the world. The second is that MEETING THE MOMENT is a critical skill in our Wild Wild West world of novelty, entrepreneurism and the Millennials' love for change. The need for flexibility and dynamism in the every day is definitely a necessary tool for success. And the third piece of this is that we are in a time where people are drawn to AUTHENTICITY and have a strong bullshit radar for filtering anything that is disingenuous. People want real, unique expression and experience. Finding the sweet spot between polished and authentic is an art that has become a critical skill for success and personal satisfaction in this age of infinite opportunity. It is the art of awareness.

So in my mind, this casting call was a major success. Lessons learned and first time fears faced. Personal bullshit radar engaged :) 

On being the Muse.

"..A woman in love with herself, is a woman in love with all of Life."

A drawing I did recently. "Blossom"

I recently modeled for the extraordinarily talented painter, John Nava, in his home studio in Ojai, CA. Six years ago he began a series of paintings for which I was the model. 

He has now returned to an unfinished piece, a larger than life painting of me (not shown in this blog post). Nava's technique is exquisite: realism constructed through layers of oil paint, creating an uncanny architecture that somehow produces a replica of the subject. 

As I sat, he explains to me a bit about how he selects his models, never looking for particular aesthetic qualities, but only for an indescribable something that he is drawn to, enigmatic and personal. During this conversation, John told me the story of how the first large painting I'd modeled for was sold. Also a large nude piece, it was purchased this year for the permanent collection of the MEAM in Barcelona, a museum devoted to great contemporary figurative works. In it, I look quite young, very plump and naive, and am gazing at the viewer with sloe-eyed confidence. The woman in the painting is raw, natural, unencumbered.

A portrait from John Nava's website of another of his favorite models with whom he has worked over the past 10 years. This was an homage to Vermeer's "Girl with a Pearl Earring"

And yet, despite the glory of his exquisite work, the first time I saw the painting I was deeply embarrassed. Not by the nudity, but by the voluptuousness of the figure. Those breasts, that belly. so full, so round, I felt repelled by the image and self-critical thoughts washed over me. My mind told me that Nava had chosen me to paint because painting a big woman would give the piece a sense of controversy, of the grotesque even.  For, in this old nervous pattern of thought in my mind, I defaulted to the painful and faulty belief that my body was not beautiful or lovable because it did not match the mythical airbrushed women who dominate media campaigns.

...Forgive the extreme example...But, I thought it nicely packaged all that I was referring to. 

 However, I knew this wasn't all all true and the reality was that John Nava's motivations were quite the opposite. When I explain a bit about these struggles with body image, Nava is visibly affected. "The fact that you ever thought of yourself as anything other than perfectly beautiful, causes me pain," he tells me. I learn that he hadn't even thought about my weight or size when he'd asked to paint me.  He had been drawn to something innate in me, my essence, a quality any artist looks for in his muse. "Beautiful is beautiful," he explained.

I sat and watched as John mixed his paint, each color uniquely crafted. "These days everyone is doing anger," Nava muses, "I don't have to worry about anger, because they all have it covered," he chuckles "So I do Beauty, I focus on what feels good. Im most concerned with making something beautiful, something honest."

This photo was captured by Bettina Norton. Click on the image to be taken to her Facebook page for her photography and artwork.

A beautiful irony lies herein: It turns out that the night Nava submitted the painting for review at the MEAM, he had done so having been fueled by residual anger spawned earlier that day when an art dealer had walked into his studio and without so much as a double glance, dismissed the painting of me all together with a wave of his hand. The man said that he'd never be able to sell the piece. For, not only was it a nude (for the most part Americans are indeed still grappling with the naked human form in contemporary Art)  -but the figure was also an image of a voluptuous woman staring straight at the viewer, unapologetically. Who would want such an image in his/her home?

As John told me this story, various emotions and thoughts arose, but the dominant ones were essentially self-confirming thoughts about this work I have been doing with this blog to help women learn to love their bodies regardless of shape or size.  It is the engrained automatic reactions such as those of the art dealer that need to be questioned and debunked.

If we could, as a society and as individuals, strip away all those layers of conditioning about what a body IS, and what is deemed worthy and attractive and desirable, we could save ourselves so much pain, redirect so much creative energy.  If we, (each one of us!) could learn to look at an image of a full-figured women and think not first about what she isn't, but what she IS...we can help give rise to a culture in which all women are admired and respected just as they are, for ALL they are. - And this is a culture of LOVE, full of happier mothers, daughters, husbands, lovers, and sons, of friends and families.

 (For an amazing example of this, check out this incredible project created by a mother/daughter team called "I Am What's Underneath") 

For, a woman in love with herself, is a women in love with all of Life.

BodyLove On The Radio!

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In a recent radio interview with Melissa Cohen on her show, "My Friends Are Freaking Awesome," I had the opportunity to have an amazing candid chat with her about all things Body Love and talk a bit about our histories struggling with body image, dabbling with eating disorders and how we have emerged from those challenges healthier, wiser and more positive than ever.

Both Melissa and I are particularly interested in working with high school and college-age women to help empower them by sharing our stories and the perspective we have gained throughout our twenties. The topics highlighted on this show were also woven into a timely conversation about the "sexy plumber" phenomenon we see emerge in Isla Vista at UC Santa Barbara each year on Halloween weekend. Listen below to find out what that means and why it is relevant to #BodyLove and to YOU. Here is the first of two short clips from the interview which aired on UCSB's own radio station, KJUC and then again on KCSB on Halloween morning:

Both Melissa and I share a passion for food, a love for celebration and a desire to see women and men alike continue to grow into their most powerful, healthy and conscious selves. Melissa was also interested in how my journey with learning to love my body and nutritious food lead me to start modeling and becoming passionate about growing the visibility of curvy women in the fashion industry.

Check out the following clip from the interview for the take home message of the show. I invite you to comment on and share this post to anyone who may find the content relevant and inspiring in their own lives.

A big thank you to the UCSB radio station, KJUC, which is curated and funded entirely by students and community. And of course, so much gratitude and love to Melissa Cohen for inviting me to be a guest on her show. Our interview was also aired on KCSB on the show "Kale and Fried Chicken" which Melissa co-hosts with Tuyen Nguyen, a fellow foodie activist.

If you enjoy reading my content, you can sign up to receive the newest blog posts in your inbox the day they go live! I also welcome you to contact me at mypenlives@gmail.com

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The art of Un-Learning

It has been with great enthusiasm that I have watched plus-size models make an  entrance into the international modeling industry. It seems perfectly in line with what I see as a massive social shift towards greater self-acceptance, coupled with a yearning for media diversity in the  representation of women and beauty. I am not at all surprised that plus-size models are gorgeous in print, take great photographs and can work a runway. I’ve always been big and curvy and I never thought that I wasn’t pretty because of it. But I did feel uncomfortable in my body and self-conscious that I was bigger than other women.

Reimagine how you would like to see women represented in the media. The media has a bottom line and that is to generate as much profit as possible; it will reflect what we demand to consume. See the world you wish to live in. Model: Crystal Renn

Getting past feeling uncomfortable about and in the body requires a special kind of work, and this work is for the most part a process of un-learning.  It requires us to un-learn that we are not good enough as we are; to un-learn that the body’s appearance is a measure of our worthiness. We are asked to let go if the idea that there is a point in the imagined future in which we will have changed ourselves to meet an invented standard, allowing us to finally be worthy of living a joyous existence and being loved.

Loved by who? Loved How?

What you really want is to be loved by YOU.

Unconditionally.

When the Love is found within - THEN you are seen, THEN you are better understood and THEN you are beautiful in the way you seek,-the way that matches your true nature.  You are beautiful in the way that a flower becomes ever more exquisite the more closely it is examined; in the way that the light moves across the surface of the ocean, colors shifting as the sun moves through the sky. You are a flame, dancing.

Crystal Renn, discovered in her teens and put through the gamut of industry pressures from the time she was 14 years old, has emerged as one of the most successful plus-models in the industry today.